Preparing last wishes information is hard. It’s logical, practical, but it’s hard on some things.
I’m working to get the Will and Health Care Power of Attorney signed and notarized. Getting two people together at the same time in front of a notary, proving difficult.
But I’m also filling out this thing called the “Big Book of Everything” (PDF, for those interested in having one for yourself) which is a document designed to allow you to provide as much information to your loved ones on your passing as possible. Stuff like computer/site logins, monthly bill information and account numbers, bank account numbers, requested funeral arrangements and music, organ donations, etc. It’s really useful to have, just freaking tedious to fill out. Some of it I’m skipping for now cause I don’t really care about it, but I’m trying to fill out the important parts first.
I learned about these comprehensive information organizers from Get Rich Slowly, for those who want to read more about what is available. I always lean towards the free versions, myself.
I got a little emotional thinking about all of these things last night. I’m not necessarily scared of death, though I have no intentions or desires to die. But there are two things that weigh heavily on my mind. The first and foremost being whether my dad is well taken care of. That’s partially the reason I am doing this surgery anyway, so I can better take care of him as he gets older (actually that’s the MAIN reason I’m getting it). I have mortgage insurance to pay off the mortgage should I die, I have $110k worth of life insurance that goes to him plus all my belongings (except the computer which goes to the sweetheart) and money in my bank accounts go to him. But I don’t think all of that is enough. And it just worries me.
The sweetheart called me while I was dealing with those emotions and said that he swore to me no matter what that he would make sure my dad is taken care of. It means a lot to me that he feels so strongly about it.
Which leads me to the other problem, is dying before I have a chance to experience all the things I want to with the sweetheart. That tugs at me quite a bit, but I know I’m worrying mostly over nothing.
People who have complications or who die from this surgery mostly have pre-existing conditions. That’s why they put you through this 6 months of rigorous testing to see if there’s anything going on inside you. I have been extremely lucky and am in incredibly good health for being this overweight. Actually I’m probably in incredibly good health for a thin person as well, again besides the weight.
The likely-hood of death for me is extremely slim, but it’s still a risk. I’ve debated with myself over and over about whether I wanted to take that risk, and I can’t come to any solid conclusions. I’m at a risk either way, a slow painful death of diabetes, heart disease, possibly cancer, immobility, depression and loneliness, or a death from this surgery where I’m fighting to live again like a normal person. I don’t know, to be honest. Is this a selfish decision? A co-worker took me to lunch on Tuesday and he said I’ve spent most of my life doing things and living for other people and that this surgery was a time to do something for myself for a change.
Regardless, I’m going through the motions, and I may not ever feel confirmed about my decision to have this, even up to the moment I’m going under anesthesia.