Emotions to work through

Posted on November 1, 2010 by Girl with Guitar

So I’m already being hit with emotions about surgery, which is to be expected. I consider myself pretty stable, and I’m glad I have a blog I can vent these things to so I can go back and review it later on.

The big one is whether I regret having the surgery or not. I can’t say that I regret it because I know a lot of good things will come from it. But I constantly fight with myself on whether I could have done this on my own. I don’t think I could have, but at the same time I feel like a failure in this department. I had success with the pre-op diet, but no one can live on that type of diet for as long as I would have needed to. I would have broken the diet and be right back where I started.

I do think the surgery was necessary. I’m healthy now, if I had waited until I was older and more unhealthy, there would be more complications. I can bounce back now because I am so healthy and because I am so young.

I also dislike being dependent on vitamins the rest of my life. I take vitamins already anyway, so I don’t know why this has even become a concern of mine. But having to take them “for life no matter what” doesn’t sit well with me. If something ever happened where vitamins were not easily available anymore, I worry about what sort of a situation I’d end up in. But again this is more of a “what if” concern. I already stock up on vitamins when they are on sale, so I have extras laying around already. And I’ll continue to stock up while they are on sale just because that’s my nature. I like to save money and I like to be prepared.

And as my cousin told me a while ago, once you’re back on a normal diet, it is likely possible to get all the nutrients you need (likely by overeating) if it came down to an emergency situation where no vitamins were available.

I worry about potential hair-loss. Around 3-6 months you can start losing some hair. It’s temporary while your body is adjusting to this massive nutritional change, but it is possible. Not everyone experiences, but a lot of people do. I am very proud of my hair, I get a lot of compliments on my hair. So this is probably the most vain portion of my concerns right now. There are things I’m going to do to head off this issue though (I was taking biotin pre-op, and will continue post-op, I will add Silica and regular scalp massages to my regime).

I worry about need for plastic surgery eventually. Obviously I have no clue at this stage what that might be. I’m pretty sure the stomach area will need it. Not so sure about the arms or legs yet. We will see as things progress a year from now. I’m hoping that with lots of exercise, my age, and good vitamin E lotions that I can at least lesson this impact. It would be something I’d have to save up money for anyway I believe. The sweetheart is completely supportive of this though and has no problem with us saving up the money for it when the time comes. At least it’s not something I have to worry about for a long while yet.

And lastly, I don’t know that I feel normal. I wonder at myself about whether or not I feel like a freak now because I’ve had this surgery. I’m a very natural/holistic person, and I’ve done a freakish thing to my body. And I will have to do more freakish things to my body (plastic surgery) before all is said and done. I don’t know whether I’ll feel “whole” and normal again. But maybe this will change when I get to a healthy point again.

So there are all my thoughts I am thinking through right now. I’m giving it my best shot, and that’s about all I can do right now.

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The Gastric Bypass Recap

Posted on October 31, 2010 by Girl with Guitar

I am home from surgery and feeling pretty good this morning after a good nights sleep.

I’d like to document a recap for my own records.

Friday:
I woke up at 3am in order to get ready to leave by 4am, as my check-in time was scheduled from 5:30am to 6am. I had to wash the surgical area with a special soap to help sanitize it, which I didn’t quite understand because I’d just be putting on normal clothes after that.

We arrived pretty quickly, my dad and my Aunt went with. I think my Aunt went because she didn’t want my dad driving down to D.C. alone, which was probably a good idea. I was the first patient to get checked in because registration hadn’t even gotten there yet when I got in. They took me in the back and started getting me all suited up an IV’d in preparation. An IV in each hand, some blood samples, and bright blue socks.

They let my Aunt and my dad sit with me for a few minutes while we waited for my surgeon to arrive, then they had me walk back to the operating room and hop onto the surgical table. They put my arms onto armrests, and I guess the guy snuck some anesthesia into me while I wasn’t looking because I don’t remember a damn thing after that.

I remember waking up in recovery and being extremely drowsy. I also remember being in a lot of pain, but not from the surgical area, but from the CO2 they pump into your chest in order to blow it up so they can do work. That gas just sat in my chest and felt absolutely horrible. They had me on a morphine pump which I clicked a few times but it didn’t do a damn thing so I had to just sit and deal with it, which sucked.

I didn’t bother with the morphine after that, despite stern encouragement from my nurses. I don’t really have any interest in the stuff.

They brought my dad and Aunt to see me in recovery and I remember them being there, but I know I had my eyes closed most of the time because I was so drowsy and feeling all that pressure in my chest, so I was focusing on handling that pain more than I was my surroundings.

I don’t remember being wheeled into my room I don’t think, but I must have been I was still pretty drowsy, and my Aunt and dad came in and sat with me for a few. But I told them not to stay too long because they’d be hitting D.C. rush-hour. So they left around 3pm and I mostly laid in bed and slept off and on the rest of the day. Apparently the nurses were supposed to get me up walking but never did, they did put compression pumps on my legs though to help prevent blood clots.

I did get up a few times in the night to use the bathroom, which wasn’t really a problem at all. Again I wasn’t feeling any pain or really any weakness besides the CO2 build-up. They said that would absorb on its own in time.

I got to see the surgical area, and I have 6 holes in my stomach, almost in a near perfect circle. So they were able to perform the surgery laproscopically, which is what I was hoping for. The doctor said I didn’t bleed very much at all. I have to keep my bandages on until I see the doctor again the second week of November. They are water-proof, and if one of them does come off, I just have to put a new bandage on it. I want to keep them from getting infected.

Saturday:
The next day I started getting restless as I was waking up. I watched some T.V, got up to use the bathroom a few times, and started walking around the hallway to keep the circulation going in my legs. The nurses didn’t start actually coming in to check on me till the second day, which was kind of annoying. I was given some liquid antibiotics, and had my temperature and blood pressure checked quite a bit.

My Aunt and Dad arrived around noon, and we had no word from the doctor on whether I would be released that day or not. I also had not had anything to eat or drink since Thursday and my mouth was so ridiculously dry it was probably worse than any other pain I was feeling. I eventually got up and wet some paper towels and put them in my mouth for a bit (without drinking anything), because it was so damned irritating.

Apparently orders were not put in for me to have my x-ray to make sure nothing was leaking, so that finally got put in and I was wheeled down to X-ray. I was made to drink two rather nasty tasting liquids with a live x-ray so they could make sure my new pouch wasn’t leaking. Everything looked fine, no leaks.

Once I got back up to my room, my nurse said she would order me some broth and such for lunch. I don’t think it arrived till 2 hours later. I had a little bit of it, which was at least something.

The doctor arrived about 4pm, which was about the time where I told my dad and Aunt to go ahead and leave cause I probably wouldn’t be released today. So after he looked me over and saw that nothing was hardened in my stomach, nothing was red or swollen in my legs, and I was feeling no pain, that I could go home.

After that things went pretty quickly. I got dressed, got my discharge instructions, and walked myself out of the hospital.

Once I got home, dad did a load of laundry for me, because I am unable to pick up anything over 5 pounds for now. I started getting together all of my ingredients for my things I can drink. Right now I am drinking 1 oz of fluid every hour, which mostly consist of Diet V8 Splash (very very low sugar, and tastes awesome) with protein powder mixed in, chicken stock with protein powder mixed in, and sugar-free raspberry jello (also very good) with protein powder mixed in. These are all things recommended by my nutritionist after surgery.

Today:
Today I was able to take my chewable multivitamin without any problems. Drank my fluids every hour on the hour, and got up to walk around the house or outside every hour or so. I also had some visitors from the Grove, and my sister came to stay the day with me.

Next week I will try to move onto fuller liquids like protein shakes, pudding, yogurts. But I’m not going to push it this week. This week I have to just focus on increasing my liquid intake from 16oz a day to 48oz a day. Tomorrow I will try to increase it by a half an oz each hour, and each day take in a little more.

All and all it wasn’t a horrible experience. Obviously I wouldn’t do it again if I didn’t have to, but I’m through it and onto the next chapter of my life. The hospital post-op care left a lot to be desired, but that just makes me more glad to be home. I really hope I am successful with this surgery, and I really hope I can enjoy feeling normal again once I get through this month of diet adjustments.

As of today I have lost 9.3% of my intended amount of weight I want to lose since August. That’s a very good goal. I imagine I will be weighed again when I get to my doctor appointment in November, so we’ll see that number incline significantly.

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Filter Surgery

Posted on October 27, 2010 by Girl with Guitar

I had my filter surgery this morning at 9am (7am arrival time) down at Frederick Memorial. This surgery is supposed to insert a small metal filter/cage like thing into my jugular and down towards my bellybutton to prevent a fatal blood clot from going to my lungs and killing me after my main surgery.

I think this surgery I was looking forward to less, because 1. They are either cutting my jugular which is a big wtf anyway, or 2. They would go into my groin area, which I don’t like people messing around in my junk.

I’m glad they picked the jugular though.

Everything was pretty normal, while I was laid up in the hospital gown they administered saline and some benedryl, though the benedryl made me hella dizzy for some reason. I was still cognant, but I really had to focus on things to remain that way. I was successful and made it through till it wore off about half an hour later.

They wheeled me in about 2 hours after arrival with my little blue surgical hat on and my bright red socks. The surgical area is freaking cold though. They had me scoot onto this very thin table and placed my arms in arm rests. It was very uncomfortable, and only got more uncomfortable as they started draping me in certain surgical blankets, clothes, pull large pieces of equipment so they hover over me, and things started beeping.

They didn’t put me under anesthesia, but they did sedate me. I was awake for pretty much the whole thing. After they gave me enough sedation I did feel pretty tired, but I was still awake and aware of what was going on.

The procedure took maybe 20 min to half an hour, and I didn’t feel a damn thing. Then they bandaged me up and kept pressure on it to make sure the artery didn’t start leaking. Then they unhooked me, had me scoot back onto the stretcher, and wheeled me to my room. I was already alert and awake by the time we got there, which surprised the nurses.

They had me lay in the stretcher for another half an hour, then moved me to a chair for another half and hour and gave me a diet sprite and some crackers (neither of which were on my diet regime, btw. But I sampled anyway, crackers were sooooooo good since I’ve had no bread the last two weeks).

Then they took my heart rate over and over, because apparently it went a little low during surgery, but it came back up to normal with no problems. About 11am they had me get dressed and walk on out.

I have to keep the bandage on my neck till tomorrow, I’m a little curious to see the incision. It’s a little sore when I move my neck around and the tape prevents me from turning my head very well anyway. I’m just going to relax most of the day anyway and not make any sudden moves with my head.

They say I can’t drive for 24 hours, but that tomorrow morning to use my own discretion if I feel like going into work or not. I’m still undecided. They have a shitload of work piled up on me, so I do need to work, I just don’t know whether I should do it from home or at work. At home I don’t get as much done, so I dunno.

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Pre-op Consult and final Surgeon appointment

Posted on October 26, 2010 by Girl with Guitar

Yesterday I had two appointments back to back. One at 8:30 with my surgeon to go over the last 10 months of testing, and one at 10:30 down in north D.C. for a pre-op anesthesia consult.

Unfortunately my 8:30 appointment didn’t take me in till 9:45, so I didn’t get out of there til 10:20 for my 10:30 appointment an hour away. I called and told them I’d be about half an hour late, and made it down there in only 30 minutes 😡 Thank goodness for HOV lanes that end at 9am and lots of fast traffic.

Surgeon appointment was good. He had not received my bloodwork from the lab yet, but he said everything looked to be in order. He did another hands-on check, which is always uncomfortable. I asked him if he ever got disgusted by the work that he did, and he said “No, I love it. I get to give people a second chance.” I could hear the passion in his voice, I liked that.

They also took my “before” picture (I still plan to take some of my own, probably tomorrow when I’m home from the filter surgery because it’s too dark by the time I get home or get up in the morning anymore).

The drive down to D.C. was pretty uneventful. I was able to find the hospital okay, so hopefully dad will be alright to come pick me up.

The hospital essentially went over all the instructions pre-surgery, gave me some special soap to wash with the morning before surgery, took some blood to verify my blood type, and really pounded into my head the issue of possible death. That’s naturally upsetting. Apparently I should also bring a copy of my Will with me to surgery. I know they are trying to protect their butts, but I really don’t want to focus on death, I would rather focus on living.

I had a small cry on the way home because it really is difficult. I mean I could very well be dead by the end of the week. People keep saying not to think about it. Really? You expect me not to? Even things outside the surgery are difficult and occasionally it all compounds together. I just want to be focused and careful and follow instructions explicitly to get through this without incident, and get back on track.

Good news though, I’ve lost another 11 pounds since last month for 21 pound total lost since August. I wanted to lose 20 pounds before surgery to reach a certain goal by March. I’ve also felt much better and my knees hurt less since I’ve been on the pre-op diet.

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Minor Creativity

Posted on October 21, 2010 by Girl with Guitar

I’m so sick of carnation instant breakfast. Locally they don’t carry the variety pack in sugar-free, just chocolate. I could order the sugar-free variety pack online, but by the time it gets here I’ll be moved onto the next phase. I think I will still be drinking some though, so I may order some anyway.

So while pondering my daily shake of the same damn chocolate carnation instant breakfast, I remembered that I had ordered some of the Torani sugar-free syrups to experiment with that are so recommended in a lot of the WLS (Weight-loss Surgery) recipes by the community.

So on a whim I decided to add a dash of caramel syrup to my chocolate shake this morning and mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. Definitely tasty and a nice change. For lunch I tried the hazelnut, also very good.

Tomorrow I may try irish cream for breakfast and raspberry for lunch :)

Just another couple weeks of liquid BS and then I’ll be moving onto pureed foods, then soft foods, then normal portion-controlled foods with lots of protein. Best part is I can have CHEESE (low-fat). I miss cheese.

Last night I made an amazing dinner of tuna steaks drizzled with olive oil and topped with lemon zest, pepper, and ginger zest. I also made some garlic cauliflower which dad and I have now fallen in love with. I could certainly get used to eating like this. Healthy but delicious.

I’ll miss the doritos and caramel candies, but dammit not enough to be miserable the rest of my life :)

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The “Aha” moment

Posted on October 18, 2010 by Girl with Guitar

Reading through various weight-loss communities, there’s a lot of talk about the “Aha” moment. The “Aha” moment is that time where you realized you needed to make a change. It’s that spark that made you want to make (and stick to) a change.

I started thinking about my “aha” moment, and there are a few minor ones. The biggest one that sticks out in my mind is from last December when I bruised my patella tendon in my left knee (or runner’s knee). I’m not sure how it happened, but I got up one morning and could barely walk. It got so bad that I had to go to a doctor, and I NEVER go to the doctor. He had some x-rays taken, he told me to take advil, and that was it. Thanks doc..

For at least a week I had to stay home from work because I was in a heinous amount of pain. I couldn’t go upstairs to my room, I had to sleep in dad’s recliner and kept ice on my knee. When I would have to go to the bathroom and attempt to use his cane, I was in so much pain I was in tears sometimes. No doubt the amount of my extra weight really compacted the pain of the injury. I was fine sitting down, even bending my knee in felt fine, but standing up or straightening it was a living hell. It eventually went away, my body’s natural healing mechanisms did what they needed to do, with really no help from my doctor.

I could barely take care of myself, and that was scary. I never want to be in a position where I can’t physically take care of myself. If I keep on with this weight issue, that’s exactly what will happen. My health will deteriorate (diabetes, heart disease, etc), as will my physical abilities. And the chance of that patella tendon bruising again is much higher, and the pain alone was strong enough to make a change for.

So in January I went to a free seminar at Frederick Hospital being taught by my surgeon. It was required before you could even get an appointment with his office. That essentially started my “journey” of the last 10 months.

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It has started and the meaning of support

Posted on October 16, 2010 by Girl with Guitar

Yesterday was the first day of my 2 week pre-op diet. I also had 8 vials of blood taken out of my arm for various blood works needed for the surgeon and the guy putting in my IVC filter. So the process has begun, and in 13 days I will probably be in the last legs of the surgery at this hour and on the road to recovery.

My 2 week pre-op meal plan is as follows:
3 atkins shakes or carnation instant-breakfast shakes a day
1 meal of 7oz of lean meat, 1/2 cup to 1 cup of low-carb veggies, 2 servings of a healthy fat (like 2 tsp butter, 2 servings of olive oil, etc)

The purpose of the pre-op diet is to shrink my liver. The liver sits slightly over your stomach area, and if it’s too enlarged or fatty then it will make it difficult to get to your stomach Laparoscopically. If I do not shrink it enough, they have to open me up from breast to belly-button like a fish. If I shrink it, then they can just go into three little holes along my stomach and do everything that way. Less scars, way faster recovery time.

I do not want to be opened up like a fish, so I am sticking to this regime STRICTLY.

The first day wasn’t that bad, lunch was difficult because I’m surrounded by a lot of people that eat very unhealthily at work, plus I work above a famous restaurant so I’m always smelling things being cooked below. Dinner was easy because I had my daily meat consumption and it was fucking delicious. I made baked flounder in foil, drizzled with olive oil and added chopped onions and green peppers. Probably the best fish dish I’ve ever made, and definitely one I’ll be making again.

I get a lot of expressions of support towards this surgery, which is very nice and I thank them all for their encouragement (I also get some anti-support as well, but whatever).

But support honestly doesn’t mean much if it’s just a voice, especially when this is something that’s going to be so very difficult to go through. I can think of only two people that have really attempted to “support” what I am going through, and that is my father and my friend Ashley. And by support, my father is eating his meals when I am not at home, and sharing in my dinner instead of fixing something separate that I have to smell. He -wants- to eat the healthy stuff I am eating for dinner and is willing to try most anything. And my friend Ashley has apparently been testing recipes with splenda so she can get used to cooking sugar-free foods to bring to events and things.

I didn’t ask either of them these things, but they took the initiative to show that they want to help. It’s a huge difference from someone expressing support with a cheeseburger hanging out of their maw. No, people don’t have to do anything if they don’t want to, and I don’t expect anyone to do anything. But a common courtesy would be not chowing down on a donut or drinking a soda when talking to me, like smoking a cigarette in front of someone trying to quit or drinking alcohol in front of an alcoholic.

But I’m also the type of person that has always been and will likely always be a loner that supports themselves and doesn’t worry or expect any help from anyone. It’s how I grew up, and maybe in a way it’s made me a stronger person. That’s why I have high hopes for this surgery.

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The non-fun parts

Posted on October 8, 2010 by Girl with Guitar

Preparing last wishes information is hard. It’s logical, practical, but it’s hard on some things.

I’m working to get the Will and Health Care Power of Attorney signed and notarized. Getting two people together at the same time in front of a notary, proving difficult.

But I’m also filling out this thing called the “Big Book of Everything” (PDF, for those interested in having one for yourself) which is a document designed to allow you to provide as much information to your loved ones on your passing as possible. Stuff like computer/site logins, monthly bill information and account numbers, bank account numbers, requested funeral arrangements and music, organ donations, etc. It’s really useful to have, just freaking tedious to fill out. Some of it I’m skipping for now cause I don’t really care about it, but I’m trying to fill out the important parts first.

I learned about these comprehensive information organizers from Get Rich Slowly, for those who want to read more about what is available. I always lean towards the free versions, myself.

I got a little emotional thinking about all of these things last night. I’m not necessarily scared of death, though I have no intentions or desires to die. But there are two things that weigh heavily on my mind. The first and foremost being whether my dad is well taken care of. That’s partially the reason I am doing this surgery anyway, so I can better take care of him as he gets older (actually that’s the MAIN reason I’m getting it). I have mortgage insurance to pay off the mortgage should I die, I have $110k worth of life insurance that goes to him plus all my belongings (except the computer which goes to the sweetheart) and money in my bank accounts go to him. But I don’t think all of that is enough. And it just worries me.

The sweetheart called me while I was dealing with those emotions and said that he swore to me no matter what that he would make sure my dad is taken care of. It means a lot to me that he feels so strongly about it.

Which leads me to the other problem, is dying before I have a chance to experience all the things I want to with the sweetheart. That tugs at me quite a bit, but I know I’m worrying mostly over nothing.

People who have complications or who die from this surgery mostly have pre-existing conditions. That’s why they put you through this 6 months of rigorous testing to see if there’s anything going on inside you. I have been extremely lucky and am in incredibly good health for being this overweight. Actually I’m probably in incredibly good health for a thin person as well, again besides the weight.

The likely-hood of death for me is extremely slim, but it’s still a risk. I’ve debated with myself over and over about whether I wanted to take that risk, and I can’t come to any solid conclusions. I’m at a risk either way, a slow painful death of diabetes, heart disease, possibly cancer, immobility, depression and loneliness, or a death from this surgery where I’m fighting to live again like a normal person. I don’t know, to be honest. Is this a selfish decision? A co-worker took me to lunch on Tuesday and he said I’ve spent most of my life doing things and living for other people and that this surgery was a time to do something for myself for a change.

Regardless, I’m going through the motions, and I may not ever feel confirmed about my decision to have this, even up to the moment I’m going under anesthesia.

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Pumpkin Protein Shake

Posted on October 1, 2010 by Girl with Guitar

I made this as a suggestion from one of the bariatric blogs I’ve been reading for ideas. I modified it only slightly by adding sugar-free Torani pumpkin syrup because it needed an extra sweetness kick, and that really pushed it where it needed to go (in the realm of FUCKING AWESOME LIQUID PIE). I had no sugar-free whip for the top though, still trying to figure out where I can get some of that as last time I was at Giant they didn’t have it.

Recipe:
8oz milk
1 scoop vanilla whey protein
1/4 can pumpkin puree (not pumpkin pie filling)
A dash or two of pumpkin pie spice
A couple tablespoons of torani sugar-free pumpkin pie syrup

I like it chilled so I leave it in the fridge over night and it’s good for breakfast in the morning :)

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And we’re launched

Posted on September 29, 2010 by Girl with Guitar

I got my call yesterday from my surgeon’s assistant that insurance has been approved and we’re good to go for scheduling. I am scheduled for October 29th 2010 at Holy Cross north of D.C. I could have had a week earlier but I have a wedding that weekend that I refuse to miss.

Soon as I hung up the phone I got a swarm of nervous feelings about everything. Now that I had a date, this was officially “real”.

Left to do:
I immediately called the vascular medical group to schedule having my filter put in, but they have to call me back to get scheduled later this week.

Then I have a urinalysis, some blood work, and a final appointment with my surgeon.

I’ve already took the 2 weeks off for the surgery, but likely I will be working from home the second week to save up my hours as much as I can and to not leave work high and dry. Work is more than okay with this.

There are some mundane preparations I want to make too:
– Stock up on vitamins as they are on sale (been doing this and have plenty to start, but need to do more so I can get ahead)
– Stock up on ingredients for protein drinks and liquid meals for post-surgery
– Really educate up on these new methods of cooking I’ll be doing
– Create a check-list for items to take with me to the hospital, includes cell charger, laptop, clean clothes, magazines, Athena icon for prayer
– Get directions to the hospital for me and dad
– Finish compiling all the wls recipes I’ve found
– I want to start harassing my local grocery about carrying some things I want like Torani syrups and multi-grain pancake mix
– Get with my cousin who had wls and take all her old clothes off her hands to get me through the transitional period of fast weight-loss. Free temporary clothes ftw

I’m sure I’ll think of others.

This time next year bitches, I’ll probably be only like 40 or 50 pounds away from goal :)

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